I Feel Awful, Thanks by Lara Pickle
Joana has just received Big News. She’s just succeeded at getting a job at WitchCo in their London offices as a Junior Potions Maker. This is a dream job, at a dream company, in a dream city. A few weeks later, her family helps her pack and soon she’s on the airplane from Spain to the UK. After navigating the train to Kings Cross and the underground (MIND THE GAP) to Islington, Joana reaches her new, temporary home: the Hotel Inn. After bouncing on the bed, it’s time to call it a night.
The alarm wakes Joana at 7:59, time to get up, get ready, and start her new job. She’s nervous but excited too. Oxford Street is a lot busier than she expected, but not too busy she can’t give herself a pep talk and appreciate the broom lane and the witch flying and drinking coffee without spilling. As “be on time” is on Joana’s things to do list, she doesn’t have time to window shop and needs to get a wiggle on.
WitchCo is HUGE! and very cool. The receptionist has Joana’s welcome packet ready, complete with map, and shows her to the Potions Department. It’s very intimidating, but Joana is strong, fearless, and honest - she’s got this! Joana is shown around the Potions Department, the labs for experiments, Tom the team lead’s office, and her cubicle she can decorate anyway she chooses. After a quick post to social media, Joana settles in and starts her orientation. Soon her teammate, Sam, introduces herself and shows her to their weekly Monday team meeting where she also meets Arnie and Tom.
It all seems to go really well, Joana has discovered the best chocolate bar ever, but there are complications getting a bank account and an apartment - one needs the other, and vice versa. Meanwhile, Tom has set the department on a Big Task, to come up with a potion that will induce the temporary ability to speak with animals, and he’s authorized using animals in the testing despite WitchCo’s cruelty-free policy, which Joana highlights and Tom shoots down, embarrassing her in from of the other department members. They tell Joana that Tom is old school, but it still stresses her out. When they also exclude her from their lunch plans, Joana heads to the canteen alone.
Fortunately Joana is in line in front of three witches talking about her favorite band, BulletB, and she joins in their conversation. Adora, Bee and James invite Joana to sit with them and she quickly makes friends. Later, in house hunting news, it all sucks. It’s expensive and you’re lucky to get a cupboard under the stairs for your money, which frankly is a little on the nose. Thankfully, the “perfect” flat share comes available, it's affordable and not a tent in the living room! The only rules are paying rent on time and being tidy. Great! Meanwhile at work, Joana is trying a new method that is cruelty-free to create the speaking with animals potion. When she presents it to Tom, he again shoots her down and embarrasses her, ending his berating by telling her to come to his office Monday morning. Oh no.
Adora, Bee and James try to reassure Joana and distract her over the weekend with a visit to the National Gallery, but the interaction plays on her mind. Surely she shouldn’t feel awful if she has everything she’s ever wanted? She just wants to sleep until everything bad is gone. On Monday morning, Joana is nervous, but you’d never know it based on her social media as she has a confident #bossbitch post. Before the meeting, Adora, Bee and James send her good luck messages.
Tom doesn’t let Joana say a word, has a stinking attitude, and calls her emotional, dismissing her at the end and basically letting her know she has to toe the line. Outside Joana has a cry and Arnie tries to help and give her confidence, but it doesn’t really work. Instead Joana eats chocolate bars, stares off into space and lies to her parents about being fine. A trip to Brighton lifts Joana’s spirits, sort of, but Adora can tell something else is bugging her and Joana confesses her roommate isn’t great, she is condescending, leaves notes demanding she clean an already clean kitchen counter, and just looks for stuff to complain about. At work, Arnie encourages Joana to keep researching her potion methods, which she has been doing out of hours, and Adora has figured out that Joana like-likes James and James like-likes Joana.
Joana doesn’t escape her worries when she’s asleep, her dreams are filled with scary images spouting hurtful comments. When she wakes, she can hear the terrors laughing at her. Later, still agitated from her dreams, Joana meets James in the park. It starts to rain as they are talking and James uses magic to turn a leaf into an umbrella and then the smooching starts and doesn’t stop for a long, long time. Though it’s been a wonderful day together, Joana’s anxiety is still there. It’s exasperated by her roommate complaining about water droplets in the shower.
Adora and Bee are worried about Joana. Her mood has been low lately, she seems pale and just not herself. They suggest she speak to a mind healer. Joana tells them she’s fine, promise, fine. It’s all fine. However later, Tom finds Joana working on her cruelty-free potion with Arnie for company and he absolutely loses it. He doesn’t let Joana speak, again, makes horrible accusations and then tells her if she is so smart then she’ll only work on her version of the potion and nothing else. Arnie again tries to comfort Joana, pointing out she can work on it during working hours now. Joana realizes that maybe she does need someone to heal her mind.
Paul, the mind healer, is stuck up his own butt and self-important, and he’s a waste of money, only telling her “positivity attracts positivity.” Eyeroll. The YouTube videos she found tell her the same thing but for free. Adora, Bee and James keep checking on Joana, and she insists everything is fine. When she goes on a date with James that night, it ends badly because she made certain assumptions about him staying over and he calls her sensitive. It’s not an argument that either comes out of looking good. When talking to Adora and Bee, they point out it was a misunderstanding, that they need to work on their communication. However, Joana and James’ text exchange doesn’t make the situation better. If anything, Joana feels worse, that everything is her fault and that she is broken.
Joana tries to make a list of things I need to be happy but her inner demons won’t let her do anything because something always happens to drag her back down. At work, Tom holds a meeting and doesn’t invite Joana, and then he doesn’t include her in the festive cocktail making contest poll or assign her a task for its creation. After the meeting, she heads straight for the vending machine and the chocolate bars. The diet can start on Monday… As for exercise, yeah, it doesn’t fare any better than healthy eating. Adora and Bee try to reassure Joana that she needs to keep trying, while James, unhelpfully, says she can always start again. This gives Joana an opening to put off trying, she’s too busy and has no energy, so she’ll start from scratch.
Joana doesn’t think she has any reason to feel so anxious. She’s so tired and wants to sleep but can’t. She tries to be positive at a BulletB concert, she tries to have a good time in Paris with James, but they’ve not worked on their communication and it all goes wrong when her desire to be structured in their activities conflicts with his laissez faire approach. Joana’s chest of emotions, which she has carried around all this time, has been growing and it’s starting to crack and open.
When Joana talks to Adora and Bee about her fights with James, they again point out that they don’t communicate. Joana, however, doesn’t want to listen and wants to change the subject so it’s somewhat fortunate her terrible roommate pokes her head in and reminds Joana to clean and tidy up. Joana hates it and needs a new place to live. At work, Joana shows Tom her progress with the cruelty-free potion. It’s either he has a resting asshole face or he is bored and unimpressed despite her breakthrough. As he walks away, Tom points out that with extra effort she can reach good results. Jerk.
It’s Christmas! Joana, Adora, Bee and James are dressed all fancy for the office Christmas party. Tom’s team has won the cocktail contest and Joana feels massively awkward for people praising her though she didn’t help create it. Though James tells to accept the congratulations and take the win, it isn’t a win for Joana as she didn’t earn it. The blows keep coming when Tom announces to the crowd that his team has made a historic breakthrough with the first cruelty-free potion for humans to talk to animals on the market. The cheers and accolades are all directed at Tom for being a genius.
It’s too much for Joana and she runs off, her friends chasing her. James, stupidly, tells her not to take what Tom did to heart which breaks Joana. Why can’t she be allowed to feel awful?! She’s tired and she’s not okay. As Joana leaves, her chest of emotions opens and her dragons are freed.
~ INTERLUDE ~ Joana goes back home to Spain to her parents' house for a break. She reconnects with the sea and the sand, and some old friends, but she doesn’t answer James’ calls. As she is eating Christmas dinner with her family, Joana comes to the realization that she needs help, she needs someone to teach her how to tame her dragons.
When Joana returns from her break with her family, she confronts her horrible roommate, telling her she will be moving out at the end of the contract in a month. Her roommate stops talking to her completely, (yay?), but she’s going to get a place with Adora and Bee! (Actual yay!) In the meantime, Joana is starting with the Dragon Trainer. She doesn’t know what to expect, but her friends remind her that if the vibes aren’t right, she can find another.
Well, the vibes are right! Joana is nervous but Alex talks to her and makes her feel comfortable, teasing out information, offering advice and validation. Alex sets goals, asks about Joana’s expectations, and is honest with how she can help her. Alex tells her everyone is allowed to feel happy, and happiness looks different for everyone and it’s not black and white, however the first important step is to redefine Joana’s idea of happiness and face her negative emotions. With help and guidance, Joana will be able to tame her dragons. It’s going to be scary, but they will do it together.
Later, Joana sends a text to James. She apologizes for disappearing and for her share of everything. She tells him she wants to talk but needs space, and says that she needs to understand herself and get her crap together. Joana loves James but will understand if he never wants to talk to her again. Very quickly James responds. He’s understanding and willing to wait, he’s there if she needs him, and he loves her.
Adora and Bee are encouraging Joana to go to HR about Tom. It would be helpful to her team's support, but Arnie is a rat and Sam keeps to herself, but Tom can’t go on being toxic and stealing credit for people's work. At Dragon Training practice, Alex helps her work with some of the feelings work causes to surface like fear, how it’s okay to feel tired but to be cautious when emotions impose limits. Alex asks Joana to write down what she won’t allow herself to do. When Joana has a nightmare that night, she acknowledges her fear then starts to look at happy photos with James.
At work, Joana is telling Adora about facing her fear when she spots a Project of the Month poster with Tom’s stupid face on it. Again, Adora encourages Joana to go to HR and Joana promises to think about it. At Dragon Training, Alex helps Joana look at sadness. Alex sets her a task of writing down something everyday that is pleasant or makes her happy. Today Joana says she managed to pack some boxes despite her terrible roommate being terrible and had a nice cup of tea.
At work, Joana overhears two people talking about how Tom got Project of the Month and that he really deserves it. She gets pissed and, the next thing Joana knows, she’s sitting in front of HR who confirms that there have been some rumors circulating and they were intending to investigate. At lunch, Joana tells Adora and Bee she went to HR and they are so happy Joana is standing up for herself, slay queen! Jerk Tom comes storming up to them and starts shouting at Joana about being deceitful and spreading rumors. Unprofessional asshat. At Dragon Training, Alex has Joana delve into the anger the situation with Tom is creating.
HR have called Joana back in. Tom is claiming that Joana wasn’t credited with the cruelty-free potion breakthrough because he assumed Joana didn’t care much, and because the potion isn’t finished, so he didn’t want to put full responsibility on Joana. Joana is shocked. Tom is a bully, he never supported her research and he, in fact, shamed her for it! Adding salt to the wound, Tom has filed a counter-complaint about Joana. After, Joana goes to get a ChocoChoc bar from the vending machine, but stops herself. The chocolate won’t help, her emotions are taking over, she needs to breathe and understand everything else is out of her control.
In her next Dragon Training lesson, Alex talks about how pride in yourself isn’t bad. It’s important to be appreciated, to have self-worth and self-esteem. Pride doesn’t always equate to arrogance, but like everything it needs boundaries, we need to accept and defend self-worth, but accept and be receptive to constructive criticism.
Later, Joana meets James at a cafe. They both apologize and talk about how they’ve taken the time to self reflect. Joana’s mental health was deteriorating and James was too focused on himself. There should have been more empathy and communication between them. They agree to try again but this time do and be better to have a healthy relationship. In other joyous news, Joana moves in with Adora and Bee. Yay!
But then, there is another HR meeting. Joana is being temporarily moved to a different team while they conduct their investigation. It’s worrying, which is completely understandable. Joana thinks she is going to be fired and says that everyone is acting nice but it feels weird and the rumors she is being blamed for are stressful. James looks thoughtful as she’s explaining this.
At Dragon Training, Alex points out that Joana’s dragons aren’t as scary anymore. She’s worked hard in these past months and it shows. To help combat overwhelming anxiety, Alex suggests having “complaining time” as a way to manage emotions that are limiting her ability to function. Yeah, that sounds fun! Joana even has a realization: happiness encompasses the whole range of emotions.
Joana is finding joy in time with James and spontaneity together. She’s taking time to complain when she’s overwhelmed, but not always really needing it if she’s able to calm herself down. Alex tells her all the effort she is putting in is self-love.
Joana, Adora and Bee have pizza, wine and David Bowie’s goodies, I mean watch Labyrinth, the night before Joana has a meeting with HR. She still thinks she’s going to be fired, but doesn’t care anymore. She knows she did a good job and can do a good job somewhere else. Well, it turns out WitchCo recognise that Joana is a bossbitch Potions Maker and are in fact promoting her to Tom’s position as team lead, while he is being put on probation. Turns out he screwed many people over, they were just too scared of retaliation until Joana raised the issue and HR investigated. James admits to being the one to start the rumors about Tom after what happened at the Christmas party because it felt like the only thing he could do. While Joana isn't happy he did it, she understands why he did.
Joana continues to work with Alex because taming dragons is a slow process but very much worth it. There will still be rough days, but there are also great days. Emotions work together and life is filled with ups and downs. “It’s more important to understand how to live through it when something happens to us, rather than focus on what happened.” and it’s okay not to be okay.