Heartstopper Volume 5 by Alice Oseman
Nick's diary. It’s March, Charlie is back at school and back at rugby, he’s having fewer bad days, and Nick’s dad knows about their relationship. Now though, Nick needs to think about his future and attending university, and the possibility of moving away from Charlie.
It’s April and Charlie’s birthday. Nick finds Charlie in the music room playing the drums to give him a big birthday hug, kiss and swing around the room. He’s also got a huge 16 birthday badge Charlie has to wear all day. As Nick leaves Charlie to practice, they have one last kiss. Their kisses are becoming more and more intense.
Later, Charlie is telling Tao and Aled about the kiss. It’s not the first time it felt like that, intense, different then awkward and overwhelming. It’s blatantly obvious to Tao and Aled, Charlie and Nick might be ready to take things a step further. Sex. They’re talking about sex.
Charlie and Nick talked last summer about sex, and they agreed to wait as Nick wasn’t ready. Well, time has passed so maybe it’s time to talk about it again. When Charlie asks if Tao and Ellie have, Tao gets all defensive, so that’s a no then. Anyway, it’s Charlie’s birthday and it's time for him to get ready for his party. Alone in his room, Charlie takes his shirt off. He looks nervous and turns the mirror away.
A little while later, Nick, Darcy, Tara, Ellie, Sahar and, in the background, Tori’s friend Michael, are at the front door screaming HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!! While Tori drags Michael upstairs, everyone else crowds Charlie and offers well wishes. Gifts are given, there is cake and bad singing, lots of snacks and scary movies. Charlie even has a bit of his birthday cake after his therapist challenged him to have a small slice.
Later, Nick is watching Charlie while he, Tao and Aled are mixing some gross sounding drinks. Tara asks Nick, Ellie, and Sahar if they’ve been thinking about Uni options. Ellie is going to apply to art colleges which are all in London. Sahar wants to study history at an old Uni and live a dark academia fantasy. Tara wants to study dance, but job prospects aren’t great after. Nick doesn't know; he assumed he’d go to Uni probably at Kent so he can stay home with his mom. Darcy calls Nick out for the real reason he doesn't want to go far, Charlie, but really he hasn’t thought about Uni much. Charlie interrupts and makes Nick try the gross drink he made.
Later still, Nick and Charlie are in the kitchen. Charlie is drunk and starts squeezing Nick's face. Charlie asks what Nick was talking to the girls about and Nick confesses it was about University and that he’ll probably stay in Kent, but Charlie tells him he should do what he wants to do. Everyone else is already asleep, so Charlie and Nick settle down together and go to sleep too.
It’s May. Every touch and every kiss seems to feel more and more INTENSE to Charlie. He’s sitting in Relationships and Sex Education class with Tao and Aled asking how he can find out if Nick wants to do it, but also worries that if keeps thinking about it and freaking out, does that mean he isn’t ready yet?! They tell him to calm down and that maybe this class will help just as the teacher slams down a cucumber and some condoms. Yeah, no. Tao, sensibly, tells Charlie to just ask Nick if he wants to have sex.
Charlie texts Nick about the cucumber while Nick is in a careers session and unsuccessfully filling in a My Future worksheet. His friends Otis, Sai and Christian are talking about a classmate “losing his V-card.” There is a bit of a debate about whether losing your virginity is a BIG DEAL™. Sahar points out that it’s society that makes it a Big Deal™ and pressures people at their age into having sex. Nick feels that everyone should just go at their own pace…as he’s thinking about Charlie. Nick replies to Charlie’s cucumber text saying “Maybe you should try it not on a cucumber sometime.” Well now, this is some terrible flirting but it’s working.
After class, Tao tells Charlie he and Ellie have tried some stuff and if it’s awkward, they just laugh about it as it’s supposed to be fun and they love each other. Yay! Good advice! Thanks, Tao. Charlie bumps into Nick and asks him to come to his house after rugby, which is less rugby practice and more a flirtation spectator sport since they're always all over each other. When they’re alone in Charlie’s room, they start making out and it starts to get more physical. On the bed they pause long enough to ask each other if they want to stop, but neither wants to. Nick asks if he can take Charlie’s shirt off, but he’s not ready for that and knows Nick really like-likes him. Charlie’s mum interrupts at this point, telling them to keep the door open. Geez, thanks mum. Charlie confesses he wants to keep going and Nick reveals he wants to, too. Oliver runs past being chased by Tori at this point and it’s kinda chaotic to continue this conversation.
Texting later, Nick tells Charlie he’s nervous too, he doesn’t know what he’s doing. Charlie has no objections. Meanwhile, Charlie keeps looking at the mirror and Nick keeps looking at University applications. Meanwhile, Sahar texts Charlie asking if he will play drums at the summer fete. It’s going to be nerve wracking, but he’ll think about it.
Charlie has a stress dream about being skinny and his scars and Nick calling him disgusting, but thankfully he has Geoff his therapist to talk it through with. He doesn’t believe it, doesn’t think Nick believes it, it’s his anxiety making him feel that way. Geoff talks through his concerns and Charlie understands it better. Geoff also reminds Charlie of all the moments he instigated difficult conversations, so maybe he’s more confident than he gives himself credit for.
It’s the day before Charlie starts study leave. As weird as it will be, it’s going to be strange when Nick leaves school properly, but that’s over a year away. Nick is going to look at some Universities with Tara and Ellie, but insists Kent is still his first choice. He just doesn’t know what he wants to do with his life.
On the last day of school, Charlie has everyone sign his shirt. Before he leaves, Mr Farouk gives him an application to be Head Boy in sixth form. Mr Farouk believes Charlie is a strong person and a good role model who will make positive changes. He doesn’t have to decide now, but should give it serious thought.
IT’S OFFICIALLY THE SUMMER HOLIDAY!!! Well, apart from all the exams and studying left to do. Nick asks Charlie if he’d like to come over for a sleepover. Nick’s mum is totally fine with that so long as they use protection. Charlie’s mum however… well, he tries to ask Saturday… then Sunday… and it doesn’t go well. Charlie’s mum is protective and worried about Charlie’s mental health and his GCSEs and refuses to talk about it until after his exams. This pisses Charlie off and he storms out to see Nick because she can’t stop him from doing that. Meanwhile, Nick keeps deleting texts to their friends, he needs someone to talk about sex with.
Nick is looking at Universities and texting Tara and Ellie about their Uni Visit trip. He doesn’t know what to do. He keeps thinking about Charlie and thinking about Charlie’s feelings of being left behind. He doesn’t feel like going to his grandparents, which his mom asks about, he just wants to become a blanket burrito. As Nick is dozing off, Charlie arrives, worked up about his fight with his mum. Charlie goes through the whole argument, and insists that he’s still working though stuff but he isn’t fragile and wants to do normal teenage stuff and have sex with his boyfriend. Nick agrees Charlie isn’t fragile, admitting if anything he is more so. He goes on to say he hides behind a mask, never really opening up to anyone other than Charlie, and this whole thing with Uni has made him realize he has a lot to figure out about himself. Souls laid bare, they start making out and take their relationship to the next stage of intimacy.
Why did they wait so long?! It was so good! Definitely need to practice a lot. wink There is more than just touching they want to do together, and yes, Nick has been researching. As Charlie looks at Nick’s internet history to see what he's been researching, he finds the Universities Nick has been looking at, including Leeds. They start making out again and Nick’s mom loudly announces her arrival home. Where the fuck are Charlie’s jeans?! As Charlie leaves. Nick’s mom can obviously tell what they’ve been up to, and so can Tori when he gets home.
Charlie’s mom wants to talk. She’s sorry for snapping and explains she’s always worried about him, but fully acknowledges she can be overbearing. She proposes a compromise: Charlie can sleep over at Nick's after his exams. She doesn’t want the emotional step it is to distract him. Charlie agrees. It’s only three weeks… it’ll fly by.
Week one. Charlie talks to Tao and Aled about what happened with Nick, and Nick adds Leeds Uni to the road trip plans. Band practice continues, and they distract each other from studying. Week two. Road trip plans are fired up, exams continue, and they sneak half an hour here and there to be together. Week three. Nick is going on his Uni road trip with Tara and Ellie, Charlie’s exams continue but he has the summer fete on Friday to look forward to which Nick promises to attend and watch him play.
The University of Kent is 15 minutes away from Nick’s house, and it’s… fine. They head to Oxford next and it's impressive and intense. Tara is tempted to apply. As they’re sitting having lunch, they talk about Uni and long distance relationships and sex. Tara and Ellie take Nick to the pharmacy for protection since he’ll be needing some soon.
Next they head to Loughborough University and Ellie loves it. Ellie isn’t going to sacrifice her future for a relationship and they’ll make long distance work. All this potential is making Nick’s head spin at the thought of being apart from Charlie. Last is Leeds University, and Nick is loving it! Their tour guide shows them the sports facilities and the rugby team and says his partner is on the team which blows Nick’s mind. He can see himself playing there.
Nick FaceTimes Charlie who is getting dry from a shower and isn’t wearing a shirt. Nick was not prepared. Charlie NEVER takes his top off. Nick doesn’t want to talk about the Unis so they say their goodnights. It's a long drive tomorrow back to Truham.
On the drive home, Tara and Ellie give Nick some hard truths. Nick is a people pleaser, he puts everyone before himself, especially Charlie, but now is the time he needs to think about his own future. Charlie will support him and be happy for him. Nick isn’t sure who he is without Charlie, maybe it’s time to find out.
Charlie puts the last of his textbooks into a drawer now that his exams are done. He’s filled out the Head Boy application, and decided to wear a closely fitted T-shirt for summer fete performance of their band, Queer Intentions. The whole Spring family is going to the summer fete. Charlie heads to meet his friends before Queer Intentions are on at 4pm.
Michael is hanging with Charlie and his friends, but Tori is hiding from him since he asked her if they are boyfriend and girlfriend. Michael is bi and they had sex and it confirmed she is asexual. She cares deeply about Michael, she just doesn’t enjoy sex. Now Tori is concerned they want different things since she’s typically pessimistic. Charlie tells his sister to talk to Michael about their relationship because it can be whatever they want it to be and fuck what anyone thinks. Tori listens to his advice.
Meanwhile, Nick, Tara and Ellie are stuck in traffic and might miss hearing Queer Intentions play. It’s getting close to 4pm and Charlie is nervous, but he has friends and realizes he doesn’t need Nick there all the time. Nick is driving at the speed limit to get to the fete, and they manage to make it as Queer Intentions are being announced and they are AMAZING!
Charlie’s family congratulates him on a great performance before setting off for home. Charlie is going to hang with his friends before staying at Nick’s that night. They have a great time and hours later head back to Nick’s. They race upstairs and start stripping straight away and Charlie is able to let Nick remove his T-shirt. The rest of their clothes soon follow and Nick throws Charlie on the bed.
Much, much later, they’re in bed having a snack. Charlie tells Nick about his nomination as Head Boy and Nick tells Charlie how much he loved Leeds University. Charlie is buzzing for Nick, he’s so excited as Nick has never sounded enthusiastic about Kent and wants Nick to go where he’ll be happy. So, they’ll be long distance. Yeah… Ha, ha, weird.